So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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