When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
