I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
