my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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