I think i peed on brittanys purse
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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