omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
