i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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