He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
