Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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