I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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