Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
