just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
