I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
