and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
