I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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