Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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