so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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