see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Randomize
