I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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