true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
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Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
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I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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