Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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