I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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