nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
