Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
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