i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
