OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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