You smell like stripper and shame
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
