Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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