my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
