Non-Jews are for practice
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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