i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
