So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
All I want is dick and wine.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
