You work out of a Hotel?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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