I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
This toilet bowl is my home.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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