I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
