I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
