Betty ford says i'm here all night
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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