Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
