hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
