My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
