listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
