I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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