She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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