mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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