tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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