he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
