Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
