be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
