I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
