we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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