Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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