So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
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she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
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I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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