Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
