Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
