wanna go halves on a baby?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
