You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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